


One hell of a guy

by restlessAnatomy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: FTM Dave, Gen, Pre-Sburb, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, ftm!dave
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-22
Updated: 2012-05-22
Packaged: 2017-11-05 20:06:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/410492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/restlessAnatomy/pseuds/restlessAnatomy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>trans!dave figuring out his identity, and getting around to telling his friends. written a long time ago when i was figuring out my own identity, and now cleaned up a little bit!</p>
            </blockquote>





	One hell of a guy

A girl sits at her desk, slouching back in her seat with headphones in and a chatroom client up. Some chick she talks to every now and then has insisted she meet two of her other friends, insisting that she's going to " really really like them!! theyre really nice and awesome just like you!! :)" 

GT: have any of you guys ever watched mac and me?  
TT: I have. It’s kind of stupid.  
GT: it is not!  
GT: it’s pretty much the ultimate movie, tt! don’t be stupid.  
TT: It was a shameless ripoff of E.T. Not to mention the entire movie was more like one enormous commercial. Didn’t you see the product placement they jammed in everywhere it would fit?  
GT: jeez. way to rag on one of the greatest movies to grace the earth ever. you are hurting me deep inside, tt. deep in my soul.  
TG: one of the greatest shitstains to ever leave a skidmark on the good name of cinema you mean  
TT: My apologies.  
TT: Heh.  
GT: rude. the both of you!  
GG: sooo tell each other what you like! :) you guys are going to get along great, i just know it  
TT: I like to read, mostly. There are other things I enjoy apart from that, but it could be somewhat tiresome to list them, and I doubt you are interested in every inane thing I find pleasure in.  
TT: What about yourself, GG? We talk every now and then, but sadly I don't really know that much about your interests.  
GG: umm!  
GG: well i like animes and stuff  
GG: and i also really like building things! im not amazing but its still fun :)  
GG: and playing with my dog bec!  
GG: what about you tg?? youre a pretty cool dude by the sounds of it!! :D  
  
She goes to correct gardenGnostic, but finds that what she typed felt right somehow. She doesn’t care enough to think about it. She drums her hands on her desk to the beat of the song she’s listening to, bobbing her head up and down, and types with her other hand.

TG: comics games sometimes  
TG: music, listening to it and making it sometimes  
TG: taxidermy  
TG: ive got a pretty impressive collection of dead things already  
TG: photography too  
GT: dead things?  
TG: yup  
TG: taxidermied oddities hanging out all around my pad  
TG: its pretty sweet  
GT: dude, gross.  
GG: pad?  
TG: my room  
GT: yuck! isn’t it scary to see dead things all around your room?  
TG: nope theyre my buds  
TG: i wake up every morning "sup monkey fetus" "sup dead snake"  
TG: i know ive always got my post mortem pals to depend on  
TT: Fascinating.  
TG: so how old are you guys  
GG: 11!  
GT: woah, me too.  
TT: Ditto, oddly enough.  
TG: holy shit fancy that, 4 11 yr olds on the internet at one time what an anomaly somebody call guiness  
TG: im nearly 12 though  
GG: you guys should add each other! :D  
TG: yeah sure everyone knock yourself the fuck out  
TG: im gonna go get something to drink brb

She opens up her closet and finds a fresh bottle of apple juice sitting behind a giant pile of crumpled-up girly clothes that she hates to wear, and decides not to bother with getting a glass. 

A bead of sweat rolls down her forehead. It’s early November, and unseasonably hot in inner Houston, even at ten at night. She aims the fan that was blowing the hot air out the window at her computer desk, and pulls off her jeans and shirt to just sit in her underwear, sweating like a pig. She takes a long swig of the apple juice and clicks back to the chatroom. There are two friend requests on Pesterchum.

TT: I have accepted your friend request, GT, and sent another out.  
GT: hold on pesterchum is shitting up on me again. i’ll accept it in a sec.  
GG: ok!  
TT: Oh my god. Another wizard statue.  
GT: ?  
TT: My mother has this grotesque enthrallment with wizards. She has apparently installed another one while I was huddling in the safe fortress that is my room.  
TT: She knows it irks me to no end. I believe she does it just to annoy me.  
GT: oh man i know what you mean! my dad is always buying clown dolls- oh sorry, JESTERS – and putting them everywhere because i like pranks.  
GG: maybe she thinks you like them and wants to connect with you  
TT: I highly doubt it.  
TG: ok back  
TG: and clowns arent that bad  
TG: come on  
TG: what parent would do something just to annoy their kid  
GT: well it’s not bad, and it’s not wizard statues, but… i mean no offense dad but jesters are kind of dumb.  
GG: oh nooo  
TG: what  
GG: i forgot to feed bec! hes probably really hungry! i should go and do that now. ill see you later! :)

\-- gardenGostic [GG]  has left! --

TT: Shame. I suppose we will see her tomorrow.  
GT: speaking of going. my dad is making me log off and go to bed since i have school tomorrow, i’ll see you guys i guess?  
TG: yeah def  
TT: Indeed. Goodnight, GT.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT]  has left!—-

TT: On that note, I should also be getting to bed. I will see you tomorrow, TG. Good evening.  
TG: bye

\--tentacletherapist [TT] has left!--  
  
She closes the client and accepts the friend requests, unpausing the music finally to drown out the sound of her older brother making music in his own room. She knows she won’t get to sleep, and will probably miss the bus to school, but doesn’t really give a shit. She stays awake until four in the morning, and as she lets the computer go to screensaver when she collapses into bed, she wonders why she didn’t correct gardenGnostic and say she was a girl.

\--

It is a few days later and she’s talking to the other three in amongst looking up stupid shit online.

GT: so what’s your real name? if it’s okay to ask.  
TG: whats yours  
GT: john egbert.  
TG: jesus thats such a dorky sounding name  
TG: fitting though  
TG: sup john  
GT: hahaha! yeah, that seems much more natural than going “sup gt?”.  
GT: what’s yours?  
  
She types in “daw” and then pauses. She’s not so sure she wants to introduce herself as that. She doesn’t know why, exactly, but the name has been annoying her lately. It feels like something that doesn’t belong. She erases the “w” and tries to think of a name that she likes that starts with “Da”. Suddenly Dave Grohl comes to mind; she has no clue why. 

TG: dave  
TG: dave motherfuckin strider  
GT: hahaha! is motherfucking actually your middle name?  
TG: yeah  
TG: i was fucking expelled from the womb and the first thing my bro said was  
TG: shit this is such a fuckin coolkid  
TG: needs a name fitting of his sheer awesome  
TG: then my mom whoever the fuck she was was all  
TG: dave motherfuckin strider  
TG: its on my birth certificate and all  
GT: pffffff.  
GT: sure, sure. but yeah, it’s nice to meet you... dave motherfucking strider. if that IS your real name.  
  
“Still talking to your internet friends?”

She jumps and minimizes the window, her brother looking over her shoulder. “Yuh-huh.”

“You should go to school some more and make some flesh-and-blood friends. You know, get your socialize on.” His expression is hard to read behind the glasses that obscure most of his face, and the basketball cap pulled down over his forehead, but she’s been doing it long enough to know that he’s disapproving.

She snickers at this and twists around in her chair to sock him in the arm. “Is this the part where you try and say fatherly shit?”

He shrugs and nods. “It seems. Look, I’m doing a shoot, stay in here for the next… hour or so, alright?” He hesitates and pats her awkwardly on top of the head, then leaves. “I’ll see you later, sis.”

She sits there for the rest of the night in a little bit of a funk, not really sure why, not really sure where it’s coming from.

\--

She wakes up one day not long after her twelfth birthday with a stomach ache and really needs to piss. She darts to the bathroom and winces at the cold seat, fairly sure that she’s running late for school. What she doesn’t notice until she goes to pull her pants back up is the red-brown mess in her underwear. She swears quietly and pulls them off, wondering how the fuck she managed to shit herself in her sleep.

“Dirk? How old was that chinese?”

“Few days old. Why?” he calls back from the tiny kitchen, over the loud clinking of metal. She assumes he's probably sharpening his shitty swords or something.

“Pretty sure I shat myself in my sleep.” She tries to sound flippant about this, make it sound like it’s not really a big deal. Dirk’s silent for a moment and then the bathroom door is open. She squawks indignantly and pulls the shirt lower down to cover her lap. He’s frowning at her and then he makes a soft noise of comprehension.

“Dawn I'm pretty sure you just got your period.”

She feels like she’s been punched in the gut, and not from the cramps. She’s pretty fucking glad she’s already put her shades on because tears are welling up in her eyes. First the fucking tits, that was bad enough, they annoy her to no end because even though she’s only an A cup they feel huge to her, and she wears the baggiest clothes she can to hide them. Then her fucking hips got bigger, not to mention her ass, and now this. Dirk seems to tune in on her shitty mood, and he puts a hand on her shoulder.

“You can stay home if you want, okay? I’ll go and get you some absorbent animals or something. A bunny maybe. Anything else you want?”

“Fucked if I know.” He leaves without another word, and she slowly makes her way back to the computer, ignoring the wateriness of her eyes. Puberty is absolute bullshit, she decides, as her computer boots up. She’s sure she doesn’t ever want kids, so can’t she just stay a kid forever herself?

The second she signs into Pesterchum, Rose speaks.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: What on Earth are you doing up so early? I was of the belief that you simply did not function before ten AM.  
TG: fuck off im not in the mood for your snarky bitching ok  
TT: Oh dear. I seem to have struck a nerve. What seems to be the matter?  
TG: stop gettin all up in my grill lalonde ive got a stomach bug and im pretty salty about it  
TT: I see. I’m very sorry that you’re ill, Dave. Get better quickly.  
TG: dont you have school too  
TT: Yes, but my mother is currently unable to drive me as she is still passed out due to the copious amount of alcohol she drinks. She will not be up for a couple of hours, I feel. You are simply stuck with me until I leave.  
TG: yeah ok i can put up with you for a coupla hours i spose  
TG: so anyway has your mom had the puberty bullshit talk with you yet  
TG: like the period shit  
TT: …Yes, she has explained puberty to me. Why do you ask?  
TG: just interested  
TG: so sup  
TT: Not much at all, actually. I have been perusing blogs of a certain division of the queer community whilst waiting for my mother to awaken, and it is captivating to say the least.  
TG: queer community  
TG: what  
TT: In layman’s terms, gay people.  
TG: oh  
TT: I have been reading about transgender individuals, and it has become somewhat of a fascination already.  
TG: transgender isnt that like dudes that dress like ladies  
TT: Poetic.  
TG: oh shut your face, you know what i meant  
TT: No, that would be transvestitism. Transgenderism is somewhat different.  
TG: mind explaining  
TT: Not at all. Basically, it’s being born into the wrong body. Say, a woman who in her head is completely 100% female, who wants to live and be accepted as a regular woman. The only problem is that she would have the body of a male.

Her mind is buzzing and she’s got a bit of an idea why.

TG: oh ive heard of that  
TG: i think??  
TG: how would they like  
TG: know  
TT: A lot of self-reflection, a lot of thinking. A lot of googling. I’m not transgender myself, I wouldn’t know from experience. Perhaps you can do some Google-Fu to find firsthand accounts.  
TG: might as well  
TG: say uh  
TG: can dudes be the same  
TG: i mean  
TG: can someone be a man even if they have a vag  
TT: Of course. Why?  
TG: curious  
TT: Unpleasant surprise. My mother has woken up and is taking me to school. I will see you when I am home, Dave. Feel better.  
\--tentacleTherapist [TT] is offline!-- 

Dirk returns home to find his younger sibling lying staring at the ceiling, looking deep in thought. The computer is off. He leaves the bounty by the door. Dave doesn’t even notice.

\--

The argument starts with a dress.

Dave is on the couch, listening to music and talking on pesterchum on his phone when Dirk comes home from work, swinging a stiff fancy-looking cardboard bag with a smug smile. Dave looks up and raises an eyebrow

“What's up?”

“Look in the bag.” Dirk chucks the bag at him. Dave looks inside and makes a loud noise of disapproval- it’s a frilly pink puffy dress with fucking lace and shit all over it. It also looks like it cost a fortune. Dave looks over the tops of his glasses, eyebrows raised, face stony.

“What is this?” He demands, shaking the bag at Dirk, who visibly rolls his eyes.

“You’ve got your elementary graduation thing later tonight, you really think I’m going to let you go in jeans and a T-shirt? It’s an important occasion and you’re going to dress appropriate.”

“But, Di-“

“No buts. Go try it on.” Dirk crosses his arms over his chest, and knowing he means business, Dave slinks towards his room with the bag.

It’s the most fucking humiliating thing he’s done and it makes him want to scream. The worst thing is, when he’s got the stupid thing on and he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he actually looks pretty- him. Dave motherfucking Strider. Even though the dark pointy shades clash with the feminine dress, he looks more like a girl than he normally does, from the bottom of his too-thin legs to his overly long hair that Dirk won’t let him cut.

He walks out to the living room with his shoulders hunched, not noticing for a moment that Dirk’s got his iPhone.

“What the fuck!” Dave snaps, yanking the phone from his hands. “Why’re you reading my conversations?”

“Just checking you’re not talking to pedophiles.” Dirk surveys him critically, and nods. “You’re pretty, sis, I don’t get why you hide it with those boy clothes.”

Dave’s fuming and spitting. “Don’t call me pretty. And don’t fucking call me ‘sis’.”

“Why does the movie kid call you Dave?” He’s clueless, he’s so fucking clueless and for the first time Dave actually wants to beat him over the head with something so he’ll understand.

“You don’t fucking get it do you?” He rages, storming into his room and ripping off the dress, throwing around clothes trying to find a decent pair of pants. “I’m not fucking wearing that stupid dress, and they call me that ‘cuz it’s my fucking name!” He’s half-dressed, just in his boxers and his shitty bindings which are slipping and he storms back into the living room, shoulders shaking. “I’m- sick of you calling me your fucking sister, I’m sick of this stupid shit where you try and make me wear dresses and- and have tea parties and fucking make myself look like a girl. Just. Just fucking stop it, Dirk!”

Dirk’s thrown back by the intensity of his rage, arms raised as though to protect himself from whatever pain a twelve-year-old could bring. “But you are a girl.”

Dave throws his hands up in the air, nearly screaming with frustration. “No I’m fucking not! You’re meant to be the adult, you’re meant to know shit, but you still don’t- you don’t- I’m. For fuck’s sake!” He whirls around on the spot, fists clenched, one of them clutching his shades. “I’m a fucking dude. I should have a dick but I have a vagina and tits for some reason. And my name is Dave. So start using my real name, start using the right pronouns, and just. Fuck. Get it right.”

The silence in the room swells until it feels like it’s pressing down on Dave, making it hard to breathe. And then Dirk Strider strides from the room, into Dave’s, picks up the dress, and leaves.

GG: dave i found something youll like!  
GG: dave?  
GG: daaaaaaave?  
GG: i guess youre idle... ill see you when youre back then :s

GT: dave? where’d you go, dude?  
GT: what were you saying about elliot in ghost dad?  
GT: i guess you’re busy getting ready for your graduation thing, i’ll see you later.  
GT: and have fun i guess.

TT: Dave?  
TT: Usually it takes you less time to reply to my attempts to “drop sick rhymes”.  
TT: I will try not to worry. John is assuring me you’re getting ready for your ceremony.  
TT: I hope you have fun.  


Dave waits for Dirk to come back sitting on the toilet, shaking with anger and hacking at his long hair with a pair of scissors.

Dirk returns with a telltale door slam and the jingle of keys thrown on the couch. “Kiddo. Kiddo?” He sounds almost worried, but Dave doesn’t move from his perch on the toilet. Dirk enters the bathroom without knocking, holding another stiff bag, and wearing an expression that’s almost like worry. Dave looks up, not bothering to wipe the tearstains from his face, and the look of agony that passes over his brother’s at that moment makes him want to start crying again.  
The expression is gone within a moment, and Dirk silently hands the bag to him.

Dave opens it. He withdraws a tailored tuxedo jacket, red and white with a matching tie and pants. His anguished face slowly breaks into a smile, which Dirk can’t help but return- it’s infectious.

“You’re a man now. You need to dress the part, too.” And he flashes another of his rare smiles, clapping Dave on the shoulder. “You need to leave soon. Go try it on, then let me tidy that hair up for you."

TG: sorry jade ive gotta leave for the thing  
TG: show me tomorrow 

TG: jesus dont get your panties in a twist i was just strifin with bro  
TG: but ive gotta go now  
TG: later bro

TG: oh my god its like i cant just go idle suddenly without everyone i know flipping every shit in existance  
TG: i was just strifing with dirk now if youll excuse me ive got a party to rock  
  
\--

It’s easy to ignore the gossip with his headphones on.

Dave sits in a corner during homeroom and writes down his name- his real name, dammit – when their homeroom teacher passes around a piece of paper, iPod turned up to full volume and his eyes focusing on his phone.

The first class is English. The teacher looks like a complete flake, welcomes them all in with an over-enthusiastic smile and a breathy voice, and passes around a sheet with sticky “Hi, my name is ____!” nametags once they’re all seated. He writes “dave” on one, peels it off and slaps it onto his chest.

It’s harder to ignore the gossip when he’s hyper-aware of every whisper that flits across the room, every passed note, every person turning around to stare at him. He subtly shifts so the nametag is more visible. The teacher goes on and on about how great middle-school is, how they’re no longer kids yada yada yada. Dave nearly falls asleep on his desk. Then for some reason the teacher decides to make them stand up and say two things they like, starting with the same letter as their name. Dave watches with disinterest as some girl named Jessica he’s never met before stands up and says she likes jokes and jawbones. He tunes out until the teacher is motioning for him to take his turn.

“Dave. Drawing and dea-“

“Your name’s Dawn, dumbass.” A guy from Dave’s elementary school says from the back. He grits his teeth and clenches his fists, glaring in his direction. The other boy is talking at top volume about how Dave turned up to the graduation and “pretended” to be a guy. The teacher looks vaguely frazzled- _They mustn't offer courses at teacher-college on how to deal with transgender issues_ , Dave thinks briefly, before she makes a fluttering noise of concern and tells everyone to quiet down. Dave sits in his seat at the back of the room, stewing; his fresh start is ruined before it even began.

At lunch, he makes a beeline for the guy, who’s sitting with his idiot friends, and he turns around and goes to say something about “How can you be a guy without a dick” but Dave’s fist connects with his face and somebody screams “FIGHT!” All logical thought is gone from his mind, the only thing remaining is rage that burns red-hot and a thirst for mindless violence.

His opponent gets in a few punches. Dave’s glasses shatter and everyone can see his eyes but he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care about anything but making this asshole pay. Clued in to the fact that he could lose, his opponent spits, “You punch like a girl- oh _wait_ , you _are_ one-“ and Dave short-circuits. He lifts him and throws him bodily through the open window.

All is silent and all eyes are on him. Coherent thought returns to him as a teacher approaches- he just beat up a guy in full view of half the school, and threw him out of the window. It’s not like he has a spotless record, either- so his first instinct when adult hands seize him around the shoulders is to drive his elbows into their stomach and leg it.

He runs to the bus stop and waves his bus pass at the driver in a blur, collapsing onto the priority seats with burning in his lungs. Maybe it’s the formidable appearance or the blood, but the driver doesn’t question why someone so young is not in school and just drives, which Dave is thankful for. Once he reaches his stop he takes it a bit easier, but by the time he reaches his bedroom his chest is full of fire once more.

He rips off his shirt and wrestles out of the binder he’d bought online in under ten seconds, nudging the on button for his computer with his foot. Bare chested and oxygen pulsing back to his brain it finally dawns on him how utterly fucked he must be. With his reputation he’ll be lucky if he gets off with a suspension. 

The second he signs into Pesterchum, Rose is bugging him again. Dave swears she’s got some sort of sick fetish for pissing him off when he doesn’t need it.

He also swears that she’s got the worst timing in the world.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT]  has begun pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]  \--

TG: for fucks sake  
TG: what do you want lalonde  
TG: im really not in the fucking mood  
TG: dont even try to fucking pull that witty banter shit with me today im just  
TG: fuck  
TG: and anyway why are you even online dont you ever go to school  
TG: arent you meant to be at school  
TT: Aren’t you?  
TG: good point  
TT: I believe we need to have a chat.  
TG: well fucking obviously or you wouldnt have pestered me cant this wait until tomorrow  
TT: Yes, it could, but I am experiencing rather insistent curiosity. I simply cannot hold back!  
TT: Do forgive me. Anyway, to the point:  
TT: I came across one of your blogs.  
TG: yeah  
TG: and??  
TG: i link all my blogs to you guys  
TT: Not this one. And don’t say it isn’t yours, because I would recognise those shades anywhere.  
TG: what  
TT: http://dawn2davemotherfuckinstrider.tumblr.com  
TG: oh my god  
TG: HOPY FUCKING SHIT LALONDE  
TG: HOLY**  
TG: how the fuck did you even find that  
TT: I came across a link to this secret blog of yours on another FtM tumblr blog.  
TT: I would also advise, in the future, against posting shirtless photos of yourself on the internet.  
TT: Even though you are wearing bandages, it is definitely unwise to post pictures of a half-naked twelve-year-old biological female.  
TG: shit  
TG: rose  
TG: why are you so fucking  
TG: ffs i need a drink brb  
TT: I understand.  
TT: Let me say something here.  
TT: This changes nothing.  
TT: You remain Dave Strider, as you ever were, which is a ridiculous truism that I will nonetheless state again.  
TT: Do you need me to talk to John or Jade, or is that something you'd like to attend to with no preparation?  
TG: johns  
TG: i dont even know about john  
TG: ill handle that myself  
TG: jade  
TG: shell probably wanna paint my nails  
TT: I doubt it, actually.  
TT: Jade has lived a life that goes beyond 'sheltered' and comes out more in the quadrant of 'feral', and will accept you are what you say you are: a man.  
TT: Considering her grandfather is a taxidermied corpse and her ersatz father is a dog.  
TT: It is really not remotely important in the scheme of things, barring its relative importance to you.  
TG: youre not gonna  
TG: try and pull your psychobabble bullshit  
TT: There is nothing for me to psychoanalyze.  
TT: Although I will stress you should invest in a better binding brassiere unless you have a particular fondness for ace bandages.  
TG: that was ages ago ive got a binder now  
TT: Good.  
TT: If it’s not too personal, have you decided on surgery and the like?  
TG: well yeah  
TG: obviously  
TG: i go to counselling every couple weeks startin from when i told dirk  
TG: ive asked her about it but nobodys gonna do it until i turn at least 17  
TG: since its apparently better to "let my body develop fully" or something retarded like that  
TG: like thats not the exact opposite of what i want  
TT: Ah, so I see you have already started counselling. Good. Of course, had you not, I would have offered up my services until you had managed to find a proper counsellor.  
TT: That being said, my metaphorical door is always open.  
TG: oh yeah because im definitely going to willingly submit myself to your "therapeutic" tendrily clutches  
TG: allow you to bury your hulking thought-tentacles deep inside my psyche and whatever nook and cranny you can find  
TT: Pfft.  
TT: Well, I suppose your misassigned body explains your borderline obsession with all things phallic.  
TG: oh yeah real funny rib on my dick jokes and rub in the fact that i will never have a proper cock in one fell swoop  
TG: thanks rose real appreciated why dont you just stick a fuckin lemon up in there since youve already rubbed salt into the gaping meatwound that is my genitalia  
TG: do a shot of vodka and lap that shit up i know how much you like the fish taco  
TT: Calm down.  
TT: I don’t doubt your masculinity.  
TT: And I apologize. That was extremely untactful of me.  
TG: sure fuckin sounded like it  
TT: And was that your attempt at an alcoholic joke?  
TT: Because it didn’t work that well. Cunningulus is not a typical part of that particular method of taking shots.  
TG: oh my god i know it sucked get off my back  
TT: Alright.  
TT: I am curious, however. Why didn’t you say this before?  
TG: thats a great way to introduce yourself really  
TG: sup sup my names dave ive got a vagina sup  
TG: surefire way to make friends and not get labeled as some kinda freak or weirdo definitely  
TT: Fair enough.  
TG: i should probably shower or something  
TT: Oh?  
TG: im covered in sweat  
TG: and blood  
TT: Good God. What on Earth have you been doing?

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has signed off!--- 

Dirk arrives home the second he gets out of the shower and dresses himself. Dave grabs a towel for his hair, stomach twisting in anxiety. He walks into the living room, not really sure what to say, not really sure how to explain how he got home so early-

“You got expelled? On the _first day_?” Dirk fixes him with a look of disappointment so absolute it makes Dave want to crawl into a hole and die.

“First I’ve heard of it.” Dave hovers awkwardly, trying not to show his nervousness clearly. Dirk just sort of stands there, staring disapprovingly at Dave. At least, he thinks it’s disapproval. It’s really hard to tell with those fucking shades.

“What did you do?”

“Beat a dude up. Threw him out a window. Elbowed a teacher.” Dave shrugs and avoids Dirk’s gaze and goes to slink into his room. “Pretty good for my first day, huh?”

Dirk throws out a hand and catches him before he can get back on his computer. “Nope, nope a thousand nopes. We’re not going to laugh this off and claim it as irony which you really need to learn the definition of, by the way. “

“Irony transcends simple dictionary definitions,” Dave interjects. Dirk takes off his shades for a moment to let Dave fully appreciate his Broternal Disapprovement x2 Combo, then casually slips them back on.

“Shut your trap. I’m going to try and do a decent job at being your brother and give you some mad consequences. You’re grounded.”

“What.”

“For a week.”

“ _WHAT_.”

Dirk holds out his hand. “Give me the iPhone.” Dave hesitates. “ _Dave_.” Dave hands it to him. Dirk slides it into his pocket, then heads towards his computer. “No internet for a week, no sneaking out to go to a net café, and you’re responsible for helping me find you an online school so nobody else gives you shit.”

“How am I meant to do that if I’m not allowed online?” Dave says moodily. Dirk throws an empty soda bottle at him.

"Stop being such a little shit.” Then, he sighs. “I don’t want do this, kiddo. I can only let so much shit fly, you know? I might be your brother but I need to act like a dad sometimes too. God knows you need one.”

He nods. He knows. He’s not fucking happy about it though. “What the hell am I meant to do then?”

“Read a book. Draw. Normal shit kids do, I don’t fucking know, climb a fucking tree.” He’s pulled up paypal, obviously getting geared up for some work. “The wireless has a password now, so don’t even bother trying to use that.”

Dave knows when he’s been beaten. Resigned, he slinks into his room and tries to tell Rose that he’s been grounded- no such luck, the internet has already been disconnected in his room.

_God fucking dammit._

He falls back on his bed and wonders how the fuck he’ll pass the time.

\--

The first few days weren’t too bad.

He’d sleep in as long as he fucking wanted, laze around the apartment for a while, go out for a walk (borrowing a spare pair of shades Dirk kept just in case) to take some photos – and not go anywhere near internet cafés, because Dirk knew pretty much everyone in a 5-mile radius and all of them would be willing to rat on him.

Then he’d go home and sit around, blasting music and creating a comics buffer until he got tired and crashed in bed at 2 AM.

But by Friday, time seemed to have slowed to a snail’s pace, and he had pretty listened to all the music, read all of the books, and taken all of the photos. So he ended up just sitting on the couch being a useless piece of shit and watched endless old movies and reruns and reality shows.

He never wants to watch America’s Next Top Model again.

But enough of that. It’s currently Sunday- well, Monday- at five o’clock in the morning, and he’s about to blow his fucking brains out. He can’t fucking sleep, he’s going to be allowed back on the net in exactly twelve hours, and he really, really, really fucking misses his friends.

He really hopes they aren’t too worried.

It’s times like this, in the hours between what can be called between early and late that he thinks these extremely uncool thoughts, and moments like this when he doesn’t fight the hot prickling of tears in his eyes. He really wants to talk to John and tell him about getting expelled. He really wants to talk to Jade and have her assure him that it was the right thing to do to beat the shit out of that guy. Hell, he even wants to endure Rose’s deduction that the fight was a ploy to get close up and sweaty with another dude.

He curls up on his side, gripping the pillow tighter to his unbound chest and lets the tears come. He thinks to himself, _Must be that fuckin’ time of the month, Jesus_ scathingly, then he admits to himself that no, he just really misses his friends.

He reaches under his bed and tugs out the present John got him for his twelfth birthday- some really fucking stupid stuffed bird with sunglasses made out of black felt that John had obviously cut out himself (The enormous cake he had also sent from his father had obviously been devoured long ago). Dave lies on his back and flies it around his bed with his hand, making quiet whooshing sounds and trying not to think of how fucking stupid he must look.

Eventually, he realizes that he doesn’t want to sit there, and takes the bird, a pillow, and his blanket up to the roof, where he dangles his legs over the side and looks up at the stars, thinking about how he’s going to explain his disappearance.

 _Just twelve more hours,_ he thinks, as the sun starts to rise and his eyelids finally start to droop. _Twelve... more..._

\--

He wakes up, back in his bed, and checks his watch.

5:03 PM.

He flies out of bed, instantly awake, and lands gracefully in his computer chair, legs drawn up to his chest, nudging at the unwanted flesh but he can’t be fucked putting anything on, and there’s a little note taped to the bottom of his mouse, preventing it from moving.

_Net’s not password protected. Have fun with your friends. I’ll be home at 6._

He pulls up Pesterchum first thing, and John’s the only one not idle. He pesters him immediately.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering ectoBiologist [EB]\--  
TG: long time no see  
EB: oh my god dave!!  
EB: you've been offline for like a week! i was so fucking worried you ass.  
EB: rose said something about you getting home from school early and blood........? and then you suddenly logged off without saying goodbye. jesus dave, where were you?  
TG: i got grounded  
TG: for a week  
EB: ........  
EB: grounded?  
TG: yeah  
EB: pfffffffft! oh my god, you actually got grounded? i thought your bro was laid back?  
TG: yeah he is  
TG: hes not completely slack though  
TG: at parenting and shit  
TG: so shut your noisehole  
EB: what the hell did you do to get grounded?  
EB: and why couldn't you have just snuck on to say hi and that you were going to be away for a week? i am so disappointed. you're meant to be a coolkid. being afraid of consequences isn't very cool, i think?  
TG: i got expelled from school  
EB: ..........wait what?  
EB: what?  
EB: seriously? what did you do, throw someone out a window?  
TG: eh  
TG: kinda  
EB: woah.  
TG: i was just fucking sick of everyone sayin shit like i dont hear it im done with that egbert i am fuckin done  
TG: calling me a freak and shit like that  
TG: i might be the coolest kid around but ive got fucking feelings yknow  
TG: so i threw him out the window  
TG: he didnt die it was the first floor  
EB:...um.  
EB: why would people call you that?  
EB: people pick on you? jesus dave, why don't you tell us these things?  
TG: theres a lot of shit you dont know about me bro  
EB: like what?  
TG: its not important  
EB: like hell it isn't!  
EB: people picking on you and making you upset and getting you expelled sounds pretty freaking important.  
EB: and anyway, we're friends! you can tell me stuff and i'll try and help you with it and stuff.  
EB: i've got your back and everything.  
TG: i  
TG: fuck john  
TG: fine  
TG: you know those shitty psa things your dad always makes you watch about tolerance and love and the importance of eating enough fiber  
EB: uh........ yeah?  
TG: this shits about to go down like that  
TG: prepare yourself  
EB: please don’t start rapping.  
TG: you say youve got my back  
TG: this shit is pretty wack  
TG: from every damn direction im catchin all kinds of flak  
TG: and now striders bout to strike like a goddamned stealth attack  
TG: dropping beats dropping bombs dropping lines like an addict  
TG: pissing people off, shit is motherfucking way strict  
TG: but why should i be punished for just bein who i am  
TG: and thats more than just the name david strider man  
TG: cuz theres just fuckin discrimination all up in this bipch  
TG: so sit tight and pay attention to my psa pitch  
TG: and i just wanna say that i hope youll still be my bro  
TG: i fuckin love and care about you man, no intentional homo  
TG: so its about time to cut to the fucking chase  
TG: but at this pace we aint getting nowhere so egbert youd better brace  
TG: see something clicked when years ago jade harley called me dude  
TG: finally puttin an end to all these years of foul moods  
TG: cos i was sick of my body outside not matching in  
TG: fuckin everythin messed up with my head all in a spin  
TG: egbert im gonna be blunt; my birth name isnt dave  
TG: my ‘real’ names dawn - this dumbass girl name i was gave  
TG: and if this explanation hasnt hammered it into your head  
TG: for fucks sake john do i need to beat it into you instead  
TG: ive got a vagina and ive got some tits  
TG: and if you fuckin call me a girl ill bring a motherfucking blitz  
TG: the terminoligys ftm; and i know youve got questions to ask  
TG: but lemme request one thing and take off the coolkid mask  
TG: please fucking look inside yourself and accept me if you can  
TG: cuz even with a pussy im still a hell of a man  
TG: there  
TG: goddamn would you look at all that red its like a baby exploded on the chat window  
TG: hey egbert  
TG: egbert  
TG: john??  
TG: john are you there  
TG: for fucks sake egbert you need to get a fucking cell so i can call you when you idle after i sya important shit  
TG: *say  
EB: i.  
EB: ........what?  
EB: you’re a girl?  
TG: eggs did you completely miss the fucking point??  
TG: god get a fuckin clue  
TG: im a dude born in a chicks body  
TG: lifelong imprisonment  
TG: like my body is fucking alcatraz and im the guy in solitary confinement  
EB: but how can you be a boy without... you know.  
EB: boy parts.  
TG: john if your dick got cut off youd still consider yourself a guy right  
EB: well, yeah, but..  
EB: you never had one! and..  
EB: seriously? is this a prank?  
TG: …  
TG: john do i look like a prankster to you  
EB: um, well, no, but........  
TG: ughhhh  
TG: basically my brains a dude but my bodys a chick  
EB: …i guess that makes sense.  
EB: oh man. i’m not really sure how to take this.  
TG: it shouldnt be that big of a deal  
TG: im still the same dave you talked to last week just now you know about my SECRET VAGINA  
EB: that sounds like a bad superhero.  
TG: no shit it does  
TG: what kind of superpowers would secret vagina have anyway  
TG: the power of menstruation?  
EB: ew.  
TG: i concur  
TG: moving the fuck on  
TG: so yeah some assfuck called me a chick and then i threw him out of the window  
TG: i really wish someone had filmed it shit it looked awesome  
EB: you got expelled and all you can think of is ‘that looked so cool’?  
TG: you know it dude  
TG: so like  
TG: is it going to be all weird between us now or something  
EB: no way!  
EB: i mean i’m kind of shocked about it, but you’re my best friend and nothing would change that fact, even if you do have a  
EB: yeah.  
TG: its called a vagina john  
EB: erk.  
EB: but yeah i still have your back and everything!  
TG: oh ok cool thats a relief  
EB: also, that was a pretty corny ending, dave. i think you could have done better than that.  
TG: its a psa what do you expect  
EB: hahaha, whatever you say dude!  
  
Something wells up inside of Dave, something like he wants to tell John how much this means to him, how glad he is that he was able to accept him, but no words come out. But even though text is hard to read for feelings and intentions, Dave knows, that somehow, John knows he’s feeling these things.

And what John says just before he logs off for the night causes Dave’s chest to swell with bro-love and what pretty much feels like euphoria.

EB: and dave?  
TG: yeah?  
EB: you’re one hell of a guy, even if you’ve got girl bits.  
EB: pretty much the coolest guy i know.  
EB: night dude.  
\-- ectobiologist [EB]  is offline!--


End file.
